Playing this week...

The coakroach reference used to give me the creeps, but now I'm loving it :)

(the song, not the coakroach reference)

BLUE OCTOBER - Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

A little bit of this and that

I think it's starting to hit me that Nils doesn't live here anymore. All I want to do all day is curl up in bed, and when the sun is down, I want to stay up all night watching movies I've already seen more than 5 times. I have tons of school work to do but I haven't done any of them. I took today off to catch up on stuff, but what did I do? Put together my shoe rack, did laundry, cleaned up the apartment, and ironed my shirt for tomorrow. Pages read for tomorrow's lecture: zero.

My trip to Sydney was great. The first few hours I was pretty confused and didn't know what to do. I got to my hotel at about 8 am, left my bags, and headed to the city center. I was so disoriented, I had a spicy chicken kebab for breakfast. I didn't do much while I was there, except for some shopping, visited the casino, and took a tour to the wildlife park. The last day was a mad dash of last minute shopping. Why are the shops in Sydney only open from 10 am - 5 pm?

Thank God it's already Thursday. Two more days of work and it's the weekend. Nils will be here Friday night. I want to have some things planned for the weekend. I was thinking of booking a hotel room in the city or someplace and have ourselves a nice day out. But we'll see lah tomorrow. Don't ask me what's going on between me and Nils. Things are the way they are right now. I don't know where things are headed, and when we will move from this junction to the next path, whatever that may be. For now we're both far too busy to do anything about that. So there it is, we're firmly lodged between a rock and a hard place.

Al Fatihah

Mak Long passed away last night after a tough battle with cancer. I cannot imagine how sad the atmosphere in BP was. Mak said everyone was there. Even my forever stoic Pak Chu was crying. I'm sure he wasn't the only one. When I called, I only spoke to my mom, because after about 30 seconds both of us ended up sobbing on the phone and so I hung up and sms her instead what I wanted to say.

Boy was still on his way when Mak Long took her last breath. Good thing he already went home the week before to see her. Mak is 3 for 3 now, for making us call/come home to ask for forgiveness and say our goodbyes because she didn't think someone we all love would make it through the night.

My reaction today: head to work after about 3 hours of sleep, and stayed at the office for 16 hours. I would've stayed longer just so I don't have to come home and cry, but I have to do my homework and pack for tomorrow's trip. Mak Long, I hope you knew how much I love you, and I will always cherish our memories together. Everything from our trips to the hair salon, to the morning school rides, and the studying that you forced me to do. Now all of us at kampung will never get to eat arwah nenek's sambal goreng during raya anymore. You know that I wouldn't be who I am today without you, and now that you're gone, my life will never be the same. :*

*sigh*

U.S. embassy attack foiled - Yahoo! News

When my friends ask me, I used to tell them that in my opinion no one is more responsible for the bad image of Islam than us muslims. True, other factors make it worse, two examples - the overgeneralization (lumping us all in one group) and selective association (when was the last time you heard anyone identify a --insert other religion here-- terrorist?), but still...

I remember some ten years ago during our sponsor's orientation before coming to the US, I was reminded to behave myself while abroad, because I was carrying with me the image of our country - a sneak peek to the world of what Malaysia is like. Like a mini ambassador. Was that a lie?

Sometimes I think that since we cannot make history free from bias, maybe we should stop teaching history in school. Maybe then kids will not learn that they are supposed to hate the other kids from across the street simply because they are of a certain race or religion, even though they haven't even met. But of course, that is a silly idea because we will lose so much valuable information that makes the world they way it is, not to mention not being able to learn from previous mistakes. (Although, you can argue that nobody seems to learn from past mistakes, that we probably shouldn't count this as a downside?)

*sigh*

Is there a way we can all win? I'm so tired of all this shit. The world really is going to shits.

Uhuh...

60 Minutes has a segment on the dust of 9/11 causing people to get sick.

Right.

What about the radiation the US military left in Hiroshima?

ps: let me just say too though, 9/11 was a tragedy. My point is, what is up with the media chewing up on some stories and spitting out something along the line of a hairball?

Midterm oh midterm

Nothing like exams to remind me that I am now once again a student. I had my first midterm today. I was studying quite diligently over the holiday weekend, taking a break only to go to a bbq, from which I was driving home when I got pulled over by po-po. That was a close call. Too close. Not going to do that again. What a big mess it could've been.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night, which is usually a good sign for me as far as exams go. I'm only nervous about exams that I think I can do well at. If not, why bother worrying, right? Might as well go to sleep if I'm going to botch it. Anyway, I found myself concentrating hard, trying to think about nothing. It was so hard, keeping my mind blank. All these thoughts kept creeping in - work, Nils, where my life is going, work, midterm, green card, exercise, fat, and the list goes on. I have to say, though, that I quite enjoy being off my medication. Now I'm not tired all the time, and hopefully I can finally shed these pounds. The downside is that I'm back to having trouble falling asleep. But maybe for the time being I'd rather be up all night than be fat and tired all day. Between working and school, I need all the energy I can get, it might be a blessing that I can't sleep. More time for my project! (right...)

I've made hotel reservations for my trip next week. I'm so excited I can't wait! I'm thinking of whale watching and taking a wildlife tour. I want to see kangaroos, koalas, platipus, wallaby, and emus. And I really really want to hug a koala! Even if just to make Angel jealous. Hee hee hee. I'm so evil.

Several people asked how things are with me and Nils. Truth is, I don't quite know. We're still together for now, I suppose. Although not in my favorite-est kind of way. I'm looking forward to his visit. Maybe I'll make him tell me his life story. It's like that one line from this movie: "So you were born, then you went home, and then what?" Yes, that's what I'm gonna ask him...

**Tomorrow is the first day of football season! Hurray!**

:)

Happy Birthday Barbara!!

:)

Three things that made my day today:

1) My breakfast

2) My new school bag

3) My backup plan

Ah.. I am not alone after all

* grin *

"Why Can't I?" Liz Phair

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't f****d yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

These days just the thought of him makes me smile and makes my heart swell. :)

God knows what would happen when I actually meet him.

Run Kokang, run

The grind of schoolwork is starting to kick in. I constantly worry that I'm not spending enough time on school stuff, especially now, with the looming econ midterm. So this week I started early and managed to get some studying done Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday. My inability to retain information is startling me, though. I've always kind of thought I could learn things quickly, but these days, I have to read and reread and really digest the info for it to stick in my brain (signs of aging?). Seriously though, I'm a little worried about that too (not being able to retain info, in addition to not spending enough time on studying in the first place *sigh*). Maybe my brain just needs a little exercise to get back in shape.

On another front, I've started my exercise regimen of running around the block. For two weeks I contemplated re-joining the gym. I desperately need to get back in shape, and I don't like to run on the street. I hate stopping at the junctions, lights, etc. - should I jog while I wait, which kind of look silly, or should I just stop cold, which kind of sucks? - those kind of dilemmas. But since running on the street is free, I decided to give it a shot. If I absolutely hate it, then I'll join a gym. After doing it for 2 days, I find that it's really not that bad. Three blocks west of my apartment, there is no traffic lights for a good stretch of the way, so I can run through the stop signs. And if I run early enough, there are really no cars on the road. To my dismay, I could only run for 4 blocks before having to stop and pant like a dog. My plan is to run 4 days a week, even if only for half an hour at a time. At the end of the day, even if I end up walking the better part of the mile home, I'm still burning more calories than if I were to laze around stuck on my couch. So a pat in the back for me for sticking with it for the past two days. Yeay!

I wonder if it's too far to walk 1.8 mi to Union Square on weekends...

Oh, I saw Before Sunrise yesterday. I can see why Iddy likes it. The info blurb said "a talkfest between blablabla". Haha, talkfest. Yup, perfect description. Good movie, made me wonder what's out there for me.

Just a reminder

If you look middle eastern, don't go around buying too many phones, ok?

And if you really want to buy phones, if the store says you can only buy 3, don't go and buy 80.

And don't take too many pictures of bridges.

It's all about looks these days.

Lots of zzzzzzz....

The first week of school came and went. All in all it wasn't that bad. Of course, things haven't gone into full swing yet, which is a good thing, considering I'm still adjusting to my new schedule. Leaving work early twice a week to go to class is the easy part, but finding time and forcing myself to work on the homeworks and readings is proving to be much much more difficult. I sat on the couch to read, and as a result, today alone I have watched The Pallbearer (only because I caught a glimpse of Michael Vartan while flipping the channels), Chasing Liberty, Must Love Dogs, and Pleasantville. Then this evening, I finally settled down, and was in the middle of my Econ reading assignments when it occurred to me that I need to recharge my laptop, update my bookmarks, fix the tiny font, etc. Even Paris Hilton's music video called out to me. You tell me whether I'm having trouble focusing. But, I will be better at it. I know it. I have to be.

The good thing is, I'm caught up with my sleep. So no more "I'm tired, I didn't have a weekend last week" excuse. My new budget is all worked out too. Tomorrow I have to go to the accounting office to change paycheck stuff. It's been a productive weekend.

My new t-shirt came in on Saturday. Just in time for me to wear it to lunch with K. CT. It's cute, ok. Here, look:

(Click on it to see a bigger picture. Hehehe...)

Just looking at the shirt lifts up my spirit. Ok, I'm going back to my reading. I hope you had a good weekend too.

First day of school

Sometimes I still have a hard time believing I got in. But it's feeling more real after yesterday's orientation. After listening to the speeches during the orientation, I realized that my essays were right on the money. Unbelievable. Innovative and risk-taker, that's what Haas is looking for. Of course, if I had done my homework for my application, I would've known that months ago, before I write the essays.

I sincerely have to thank Adam Gordon (he's the author of MBA Admissions Strategy), I couldn't have done it without him. Especially since we got it all done in 8 days. (I didn't decide to apply until the very last minute. Itu pun Nils yang paksa. If I remember correctly, I emailed Adam on Tuesday, took the GMAT on Friday, and submitted the application on the following Tuesday. That was how last minute it was.) Anyway, Adam's help was worth every penny. Very personal and tailored to what I needed. I found his website completely by accident too. I was looking online for consultants, and stumbled upon his website. And then noticed that the book highlighted on that site looked awfully familiar. Turned out I just bought his book a couple of days before. He had a free trial, so I emailed him what I had of my essay (it wasn't much of an essay, trust me), and waited for him to answer my SOS email. Long story short, 8 days later we submitted my Haas application. Money well spent. (If you're looking for more than essay edits, then you should definitely check out his webpage.) Idlan helped me with one of the essays. Even Adam said that one was good. I submitted it as is after Iddy modified it. Hehehe. I still owe her the gift I said I was gonna send. Yes, shame on me. I haven't caught Jack Johnson yet, beb. Sabar eh?

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I do have butterflies in my stomach. I've met most of my classmates, so there really is not much left to be nervous about. I hope I get a cool study group, and I hope I'll make some friends.

I'm kind of glad the first year is structured more like a quarter system. The last time I was in a semester school, it didn't go so well. Ahem. Anyway, this time the first two semesters are broken into two, and we take 2 courses at a time. At least I know I won't be bored with the course materials in 9 weeks. I'll be scrambling to catch up. I'm sure of that. They gave our backpack + textbooks + readers during the orientation. I might dive into some of that tonight. I've always hated feeling like I'm already behind during the first class.

Wish me luck ok? And I'm sure some of your will hear me complaining about school soon.

:-S

SMS conversation I had with Nils yesterday:

Me: Baby, I have bad news :-S

Nils: What?

Me: I found Ferragamo laptop bag.

Nils: It’s silly to spend as much on laptop bag as you did on computer. :-S You should buy the bed and have more storage. (the bed has drawers underneath)

Me: Yea, but this will be my briefcase. I’ll only have one briefcase.

Nils: Until you see one next season?

Me: But it’s really nice. It’ll last me forever.

Nils: Think you should reach down really carefully and pull out the burr. Hehehe

Cisss…

Hellooooo....

Sunday when I was in class, it occurred to me that this might be one of the rare moments where I sincerely feel that life is good. Life is good. The last time I felt this way, I was a sophomore, one of my best friends just got himself a convertible, and the three of us were driving down University Avenue on a pleasant summer afternoon, heading for the marina. I remember marking that day in my mind - the best day of my life.

Despite all my whining, I have to admit, life is going pretty good for me right now. After 5 years, I finally made friends at work. Friends friends. Not just people I occasionally hang out with after work. A good friend used to tell me, when I was complaining about not having anyone around, just be myself and I will find myself among "my people". I guess for me, those are the ones who can join me my lawak bangang, find humor in just about anything, and find significance in things like bowel movements, protruding tummies, and worldwide hair removal habits. I am having fun, and when I'm not, I don't feel like I'm all alone.

Orientation is this weekend, and class officially starts next Thursday. I can't believe the shit I have to wade through to finally get to learn the things I want to learn. (I wonder how long I'll feel this way about school.) Which reminds me, I still need to finish the online Accounting intro thingy.

Between my new-found friends, living in the city, and starting my MBA, I have to say, life if pretty darn good right now. Despite how things may be in a couple of months, today I'm living my dreams. (Thank you, God :* )

Jam?

Today for the first time I really felt Nils not being here. I was at the grocery store trying to get some spread, I saw that there were preserves, and then there were jams. Beats the heck out of me what the difference is. I remember I asked Nils that question before, and he told me what the difference was (or are they the same? I forget.). I stood in the aisle for a bit, looking at both bottles. Didn't occur to me to look at the ingredients. Called Nils but he didn't pick up (turned out he was on the other line with his realtor). I stood there some more, and then picked up the Nutella. Looked at the calorie: 2 tbsp = 200 calories. Too much. I knew that if I got preserves/jam, I'd put a thin layer on my toast, but if it's Nutella, I'd pile it on. Too yummy to resist! Hell I might end up snacking just on the Nutella. So I looked more at the preserves and jam. Couldn't decide, so I just walked away. Now I only have bread, no spread. Guess I'll be having plain toast tomorrow. :-S See, Nils would know things like that. How on earth did I manage to know so little about groceries?

Malasnya!

Please help me. I've become extremely lazy and demotivated. I just want to sit home and do nothing. The best hour of my day is lunch time, when the three of us sit in a car with our tapioca drinks and laugh at everything and anything. Once lunch hour is over, I go back to my desk and try really hard to get these papers moving again (these days I am a paper pusher). I. Just. Can't.

I bought my tickets to Sydney today. I've yet to tell my boss that I'll be taking a few days off in September. Hopefully I can talk A and C into going with me. Otherwise it'll just be me. Not even sure if Isz will be there. Haven't heard from her yet.

School is almost starting. Orientation is next week. I better send in those transcript this week. Let me add that to my to do list. *sigh*

Here we go...

Name 5 people who are currently on your current list of “most favourite blog mates”

Even in cyberspace I'm antisocial. So I don't think I have even 5 blog mates, let alone 5 favorites. For whatever it's worth, they've gotta be: MC, Idlan, errr who else? And these two I knew from school. Ok, 2007 resolution, must make more friends.

Name 5 types of people who irk, amaze, amuse, disgust you.

… irk: people who can't see a good idea unless it comes out of the mouth of someone with a management title. (synonym: see asshole, idiot)
… amaze: people with a good heart, selfless, who have done so much with their lives, in their lifetimes, and yet are still humble and down to earth as if they are still trying to figure out what it is about life that they love.
… amuse: Like in a good way? Nothing comes to mind right now. I'm gonna have to shelve this one.
… disgust: people who don't know their shit but want to put up an act like they have a clue on what's going on. What's wrong with admitting you don't know?

Name 5 hot male/female celebrities

Male:
… Michael Vartan
… Hugh Jackman
… Ashton Kutcher
… Shahrukh Khan
… Matt Czuchry (hehehe...)

Female:
… Keira Knightley
… Rachel Weisz
… Kate Hudson

Name 5 things you are passionate about.

… absorbing information about random things.
… shopping around for a deal when I decide what I want to get.
… making something a little bit easier. For anyone.
… about whatever it is that I have my mind set on at a particular moment. (This is when Nils will say: "Burr alert." As in burr up ass. Hey, I'm a go-getter. When I see something I like, I go get.)

Name 5 blogs that you love reading.

In no particular order, ok?
… Organized Chaos. Oh ok, Organised Chaos
… My Nothingness
… Misadventures, grasshopper (I still miss Anuar's blog)
… Macvaysia
… Annotations
… Minishorts
… Rhetorical Letter
… Esty's Own

And many more.....

Give 5 phrases that describe you

… “Hang the code, and hang the rules. They're more like guidelines anyway.” --- Yes, this is from that movie...
… “Hey, that thing's expired!”
… "Are you crazy?”
… “klako lah ko ni”

If you feel like it, consider yourself chosen...

Settling down

I've been meaning to post for a while. Honest. Things are a little wild what with the moving and what not. I came back from North Carolina on Monday. It was Nils's usual family vacation. We decided we should both go, have fun, and take it from there. Now he's permanently moved to the East Coast. (Sob sob...) He's still trying to settle down, looking for a new place. I'm still slowly unpacking, throwing out as much stuff as I can. I'm doing it differently this time. Instead of taking everything out of the box, this is what I do:

1) Wait until I'm looking for something, for example, say I have a headache and need aspirin. Then I would...
2) think hard about where in the apartment I would look if I were trying to find aspirin.
3) Dig in my unpacked boxes until I find my aspirin.
4) Take 2 tablets.
5) Put the bottle at the place I identified in Step 2 above.

This way I have a place for everything, and I know where everything is. How good is that? Maybe after 6 months, if I still have unpacked boxes, I could just throw them away, since obviously I do not need or miss them.

Now if only I can find a tiny computer desk to put my laptop and software disks in. Maybe more of a stool with drawers. Hmmm, that reminds me, they have that at the office. The drawers with the cushion top. I wonder if they make a home version of that.