Playing this week...

The coakroach reference used to give me the creeps, but now I'm loving it :)

(the song, not the coakroach reference)

BLUE OCTOBER - Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

A little bit of this and that

I think it's starting to hit me that Nils doesn't live here anymore. All I want to do all day is curl up in bed, and when the sun is down, I want to stay up all night watching movies I've already seen more than 5 times. I have tons of school work to do but I haven't done any of them. I took today off to catch up on stuff, but what did I do? Put together my shoe rack, did laundry, cleaned up the apartment, and ironed my shirt for tomorrow. Pages read for tomorrow's lecture: zero.

My trip to Sydney was great. The first few hours I was pretty confused and didn't know what to do. I got to my hotel at about 8 am, left my bags, and headed to the city center. I was so disoriented, I had a spicy chicken kebab for breakfast. I didn't do much while I was there, except for some shopping, visited the casino, and took a tour to the wildlife park. The last day was a mad dash of last minute shopping. Why are the shops in Sydney only open from 10 am - 5 pm?

Thank God it's already Thursday. Two more days of work and it's the weekend. Nils will be here Friday night. I want to have some things planned for the weekend. I was thinking of booking a hotel room in the city or someplace and have ourselves a nice day out. But we'll see lah tomorrow. Don't ask me what's going on between me and Nils. Things are the way they are right now. I don't know where things are headed, and when we will move from this junction to the next path, whatever that may be. For now we're both far too busy to do anything about that. So there it is, we're firmly lodged between a rock and a hard place.

Al Fatihah

Mak Long passed away last night after a tough battle with cancer. I cannot imagine how sad the atmosphere in BP was. Mak said everyone was there. Even my forever stoic Pak Chu was crying. I'm sure he wasn't the only one. When I called, I only spoke to my mom, because after about 30 seconds both of us ended up sobbing on the phone and so I hung up and sms her instead what I wanted to say.

Boy was still on his way when Mak Long took her last breath. Good thing he already went home the week before to see her. Mak is 3 for 3 now, for making us call/come home to ask for forgiveness and say our goodbyes because she didn't think someone we all love would make it through the night.

My reaction today: head to work after about 3 hours of sleep, and stayed at the office for 16 hours. I would've stayed longer just so I don't have to come home and cry, but I have to do my homework and pack for tomorrow's trip. Mak Long, I hope you knew how much I love you, and I will always cherish our memories together. Everything from our trips to the hair salon, to the morning school rides, and the studying that you forced me to do. Now all of us at kampung will never get to eat arwah nenek's sambal goreng during raya anymore. You know that I wouldn't be who I am today without you, and now that you're gone, my life will never be the same. :*

*sigh*

U.S. embassy attack foiled - Yahoo! News

When my friends ask me, I used to tell them that in my opinion no one is more responsible for the bad image of Islam than us muslims. True, other factors make it worse, two examples - the overgeneralization (lumping us all in one group) and selective association (when was the last time you heard anyone identify a --insert other religion here-- terrorist?), but still...

I remember some ten years ago during our sponsor's orientation before coming to the US, I was reminded to behave myself while abroad, because I was carrying with me the image of our country - a sneak peek to the world of what Malaysia is like. Like a mini ambassador. Was that a lie?

Sometimes I think that since we cannot make history free from bias, maybe we should stop teaching history in school. Maybe then kids will not learn that they are supposed to hate the other kids from across the street simply because they are of a certain race or religion, even though they haven't even met. But of course, that is a silly idea because we will lose so much valuable information that makes the world they way it is, not to mention not being able to learn from previous mistakes. (Although, you can argue that nobody seems to learn from past mistakes, that we probably shouldn't count this as a downside?)

*sigh*

Is there a way we can all win? I'm so tired of all this shit. The world really is going to shits.

Uhuh...

60 Minutes has a segment on the dust of 9/11 causing people to get sick.

Right.

What about the radiation the US military left in Hiroshima?

ps: let me just say too though, 9/11 was a tragedy. My point is, what is up with the media chewing up on some stories and spitting out something along the line of a hairball?

Midterm oh midterm

Nothing like exams to remind me that I am now once again a student. I had my first midterm today. I was studying quite diligently over the holiday weekend, taking a break only to go to a bbq, from which I was driving home when I got pulled over by po-po. That was a close call. Too close. Not going to do that again. What a big mess it could've been.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night, which is usually a good sign for me as far as exams go. I'm only nervous about exams that I think I can do well at. If not, why bother worrying, right? Might as well go to sleep if I'm going to botch it. Anyway, I found myself concentrating hard, trying to think about nothing. It was so hard, keeping my mind blank. All these thoughts kept creeping in - work, Nils, where my life is going, work, midterm, green card, exercise, fat, and the list goes on. I have to say, though, that I quite enjoy being off my medication. Now I'm not tired all the time, and hopefully I can finally shed these pounds. The downside is that I'm back to having trouble falling asleep. But maybe for the time being I'd rather be up all night than be fat and tired all day. Between working and school, I need all the energy I can get, it might be a blessing that I can't sleep. More time for my project! (right...)

I've made hotel reservations for my trip next week. I'm so excited I can't wait! I'm thinking of whale watching and taking a wildlife tour. I want to see kangaroos, koalas, platipus, wallaby, and emus. And I really really want to hug a koala! Even if just to make Angel jealous. Hee hee hee. I'm so evil.

Several people asked how things are with me and Nils. Truth is, I don't quite know. We're still together for now, I suppose. Although not in my favorite-est kind of way. I'm looking forward to his visit. Maybe I'll make him tell me his life story. It's like that one line from this movie: "So you were born, then you went home, and then what?" Yes, that's what I'm gonna ask him...

**Tomorrow is the first day of football season! Hurray!**

:)

Happy Birthday Barbara!!

:)

Three things that made my day today:

1) My breakfast

2) My new school bag

3) My backup plan

Ah.. I am not alone after all

* grin *

"Why Can't I?" Liz Phair

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't f****d yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

These days just the thought of him makes me smile and makes my heart swell. :)

God knows what would happen when I actually meet him.