Learn

I learned something new today. Well, more like discovered something new. It came to me like a revelation.

There are choices we make in life that lead us to things that are irreversible.

Of all the things that I think about, I've never thought of this. To tell you the truth, it's freaking me out a little. I've made a lot of choices, thankfully nothing major. So far only one that I hope I can still change, but mostly I'm happy with the decisions I made. From now on I must be careful. Especially when making big decisions (or small ones that doesn't seem big but lead to big things all the same). Some things lead to a path that I can never retrace. Thank you God for holding my hands all these time and helping me choose the right things. Thank you. Please don't let me forget this lesson. And please don't let go of my hands.

Friday

What do you when you have a protocol to write, but your self-discipline simply refuse to cooperate?

On other fronts, things are moving along. Things happen and you move on. Maybe Nils and I ada jodoh and will stay together, who knows. But for now, let's focus on the moving along part. It's always been my belief that when one person move away, the one who get left behind suffers more. I'll be left with my old routine, except it'll have to be different because the other person is not there anymore. I'll be buying Tapioca Express drinks for one, and will not feel like rushing home after work because there will be nobody there anyway. This is my solution: I will develop a completely new routine. I think it will involve moving some 30 miles up north, but I've been dreaming about it for so long, why not do it now, right? It'll take time to get used to my new place, surrounding, and not to mention the commute. That should take my mind off of the fact that Nils is not here anymore. Quite a good excuse to pay double my current rent for half my current space. Well, good enough for me, anyway. If only I could afford to buy my own place around here. *sigh*

Ok, I better get some things done before I leave. Heck, it's time to go home. I wonder if I should just bring this home and work on it over the weekend...

Our secret language

Hahaha! I don't have to go to work today! I took today off for medical check up. How nice to lounge around in my robe on a weekday. I had my blueberry muffin breakfast with Nils, and will head back to bed soon. Hehehe...

Did I ever tell you that Nils and I have our own language? If you've played Sims before, then you'd already have a preview of it. Instead of saying things in our hearts when we are made to do things we don't really want to do - for example when one of us has to get up and turn off the lights simply because I'm/he is closer to the switch - we grumble out loud. Except you can't really catch the words. Do you really need to hear the exact words to know what the other person is cursing about? No. You basically know the gist of it. Here's an example:

On the couch, while watching TV:

Kokes: Hey! You drank all of my soda! (even though it was actually Nils's, but hey, what's his is mine, right?) Baby get more soda?

Nils: You go get.

Kokes: You're closer. (This is house rule, whoever is closer has to do it.)

Nils: Hmmmm.. Miumuonibedubopunilumimiu (which basically means: Why? Why do I have to get up? Can't someone else do it? The couch is so comfy, I don't want to get up, dammit!)

Kokes: Hehehehehe.... Yess!

So now you get it, right? So while sometimes I don't quite know what his complaints are, at least I know he's complaining and most of the time I can guess what he's saying. Haha. It's fun. You try it.

Thanks...

Sorry if I alarmed you. I'm doing ok, despite everything that's going on. I'm trying not to think about it for now. At least until Nils moves, which is probably in about 3 weeks or so. I really don't know what I'm gonna do after that. For now, I need to finish my school application, especially since I don't have much of a chance to get into Haas. I'll find out for sure in 2 weeks.

Thanks for the messages and phone calls. Don't mind if I take you up on your listening ears offers nanti eh? Hehehe..

My chart

See this chart on the left? This is what I call Koke's breakup emotion chart. Yes, when you're a nerd, even your misery can be graphed. The area above the x-axis represent positive outlook, and the area below it represent horrid, negative, pessimistic ones. There are significant swings between the two areas. One minute it feels like it's all happening for the better and I'll be better off, and another minute it feels like my life is on it's way down the toilet and I go through a myopic period where I can't see past the next five minutes (and it's not just because of the tears).

As you can see, the whole episode starts with small bumps, which is generally when things start to rock, and not in a good way. The chart is a little misleading here, mostly due to my inability to control the mouse to draw nice small curves. But this period can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 1 year, depending on your level of denial and strength to do "the right thing". Then comes the real thing. This is when things go into full swing, so to speak. The curve dips further down, and this period is usually accompanied by lots and lots of tears coming and going. The coming usually longer than the going, but this too will change with time.

As time goes by, the swing becomes smaller and shorter, and the tears will dry up. By this time, I'd be able to look back and think of the good times we had together, but I usually don't. My motto is to make the best of things, and never look back. Eventually, I'll get to a point where things stop hurting, and I don't care anymore. Then, and only then, I can get back in touch with the other person without the aura of ill-feelings. I suppose you can say that at this point I've forgiven and forgotten. I can say hi here and there. But based on past experiences, my path are usually far from the other person's that this doesn't happen. I don't go out of my way to say hi. At least not to these people. (Oh, the bitterness) How I wish I could fast forward to this time. Penatlah jadi ratu air mata ni...

My USB flash

I have a USB flash drive that I use from time to time. So tell me the signs of a flash drive going corrupt, so I'll know when I need to replace it. I like my flash drive, even though it's not a fancy schmancy one. I like how it's simple and unflashy (despite its name). It's white, see-through, and I want to bring it wherever I go. It holds so much information, I've gotten dependent on it.

Let me tell you the part why I think it's going corrupt. Sometimes I have trouble transferring files to and from it. Transferring out is much much much harder than transferring in. Some days it's like drawing blood from a rock. Ok, I'm exaggerating a little, but still, these communication breakdowns drive me nuts. Maybe the flash drive's made for Apple, and therefore I must be an Orange. The other thing too, it doesn't seem like I can put on it as much as I'm supposedly able to. And that part frustrates me the most. Why wouldn't it go all the way? It's not that I have enough things to put on there to fill it up. But I'd like to know that if I want to, I could. Should I toss it out now before it craps out on me? Tell me.

I remember in Blink, Malcolm Gladwell said that at some point, your significant other becomes an extension of yourself. You won't try to remember everything, because there are some things that you know your other half knows. That's kind of how things have become with me and Nils. I find myself not even paying attention to the roads. I'm still not quite sure I can get to Draeger's by myself even though it's only a ten-minute drive and we go there all the time (I think I can, it's just that I've never tried). I've become comfortable with the fact that I can ask him anything, and most of the time, he'll have the answer. For example, I don't have to remember whether camels have one hump or two. Or how many Kennedys there are left. Or how much my mortgage payment will be if I put 20% down. Things like that. He's become an extension of my memory. Like my USB flash drive.

And like I said, I think my USB flash drive is going corrupt. I might have to find a replacement soon. That's my sad story.

Bust

Ok, so I didn't win my tuition fees like I planned to. But at least I still have some money left after the trip, right? Nils and I both did unbelievably bad at the craps table. It was the longest coldest streak I've ever seen. Sad, but that's not the saddest part. And that is sad.

Ironically, while browsing the bookstore at SFO, I bought a book on how to be a millionaire. It's a pretty good book. I learned a couple of new things about home ownership. And as far as automatic savings go, I'm proud to say, I've already started doing the things the author talked about - even before reading the book. Yeay! 10 points and a pat on the back for me. But, oh wait, I just donated half of my paycheck at the craps table. Minus 20 points. :-S

C'mon now

Ah, screw the uncertainties. We're going to Reno!! Yeay! Yesterday morning my phone buzzed while I was in a meeting. Nils asked if I want to go to Reno this weekend. Luckily my boss was ok with the last minute day off, and within hours we were booked on a Friday flight out. I can't wait! So tonight I'm sending Nils off to the airport for his trip. Friday morning he comes back, and we fly out together in the afternoon. We're gonna have fun fun fun.. (til her daddy takes her t-bird away. lalaalalaalaa) Wish me luck, ok? I might need to win my school fee, what with the unfolding situation and all.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you know, but you just don't want to believe. No, I don't want to believe. Please tell me it's not true.

Weekend

I managed to get through my Saturday doing every single thing that was on my plan. Including the exercising. I'm so proud of myself. Now to keep those calories down. No more buying snacks. Or those delicious vanilla ice cream hand-dipped in chocolate sauce and almond bits.

Today I was cleaning up my inbox and got rid of a bunch of old emails. Tucked some away into folders, just in case I want to look at those ones again, although in reality, I've never really gone through my folders except to look for addresses, phone numbers, and bank account numbers. While I was cleaning, I came across my mom's sms telling me my atuk passed away. It has been almost two years, and the sms is still in my inbox. And today, after my cleaning, it is still there. For some reason, I couldn't file it away. Not yet, anyway. Maybe some part of me wants it there just in case I forget. Forget what? I don't know. It still makes me smile, the last joke he cracked when I was sitting by his side. I had left his bedside to rake the leaves on the front lawn, when suddenly there was thunder and rain started pouring. So I ran in, dried myself, and went back to sit with atuk. He was awake, so I started talking to him. "Hujan lebat, tok." To which he weakly replied, "Ha, iyelah. Abis tu nak di apa kan..." And then he smiled. Betul jugak, what was I thinking? Couldn't find anything better to talk to him about? Never underestimate the clarity of mind of a 90-year-old. Even when he's bed-ridden.

So this weekend is almost over. I finished two books, to Nils's dismay - I ignored him all weekend and buried my nose in my books. I even cleaned the kitchen, did the wash, paid my bills, and ran some errands. I saw Milo 3-in-1 at the store and thought of Idlan. No Nescafe 3-in-1 though, dude, or else I'd mail you some :) Nils is now asleep on the couch next to me, and left his prison documentary on. It was a shark documentary earlier. I asked him if this is what "normal American" do, sit home all day and watch tv. I think I was just homesick. I thought of what I'd be doing if I were back home this very minute. I doubt it would be sitting in front of the tv. I picture that there'll be more people around, certainly my brothers, maybe some relatives too? But I really don't know, because the only times I've been home in the last ten years are during vacations. Things are different when you're on vacation. People are nice to you. Everyone's nice to you when you just come home to visit. I wonder how it'd be if I really live there. Well, at least the weather here is pretty nice these days. Looks like spring is here. A little late, but here nonetheless.

Come meet Kokang...

It's my new habit now, to wake up on Saturday morning, think about exercising, and then head straight for my laptop to shop online. Browse Banana Republic sale page, Neiman Marcus sale page, buy one thing for me, one more new t-shirt for Nils, and I'm ready to start my day. Thank you God, for those free shipping online coupons, or else I'd be wasting all those dollars that could be spent on another pants.

I have ambitious plans for today. Go to the post office to mail in my midterm, get my usual nutella and banana crepes for breakfast, exercise at home, and then wait for the mailman. The rest of the weekend, I'm just going to be myself (read: lazy) and chill. Maybe I'll watch my Netflix movies that just came in. I moved Nils's movies further down the queue and moved up my Ashton Kutcher movies + another goofy movie that I'm sure Nils is praying he doesn't have to watch. I promise I'll be nice and let Nils have his movies when I return these. Urgh, those horror, scary movies. They're almost as stressful as work.

Oh, so yesterday I started wearing my new Harley motorcross light jacket (bought courtesy of Uncle Hilton's casino). I bought it only a few weeks ago, and already I'm wearing it. That is unusual for me. In general, new clothes that I buy tend to sit in the closet for quite a while. I don't even take the tag and price off, they just sit there. And then when they are ermmm not new anymore (even though technically they are, because they still have the tag) they'll get pulled into my normal clothes circulation.

Last year I bought, oh ok, Nils bought me a black rain coat. I probably only wore it once or twice last year, and only so Nils doesn't feel bad or think I don't like it. See I LOVE the jacket. Those sailor-like clasps are so gorgeous! When I first tried the jacket on, I couldn't take it off. Nils will gladly agree with me there. I persuaded (yeah, I think that's the right word. "Badger" is much too strong, not to mention irrelevant to the situation) him to buy it for me, since the price was a little bit out of my reach. But anyway, it pretty much sat in my closet for a whole year. And then this year, I wore it almost every day during the rainy season. Everyone loved it. I got compliments left and right. (I told you it's a nice jacket.) Anyway, my point is, I don't know why I do that. I just don't like wearing new new shirt, jacket, or shoes, I guess. I have to break them in first. Even if only in my mind. The whites on my new shoes used to drive me crazy. So clean and bright and obviously new. So blinding! But I've since solved that problem. I've stopped buying shoes with whites on them a long time ago. Creative solution, no?

Idiosyncracies aside, I'm starting to shop for clothes again. I was on a hiatus, what with being a tad overweight and all. But that is now over. No, I haven't lost the pounds, but I've decided that I should still shop while losing weight, and then when I can't fit into my fat-kokang clothes anymore, I'll just donate them. That is a more healthy strategy, don't you think?

Ok people, my stomach is growling. I'm gonna hit the shower and embark on my ambitious Saturday journey. You have a good weekend, ok?!