Pop quiz

Q: How do you know your girlfriends are your good friends?

A: When I am full of self-doubt and so unsure of myself, they send messages to ensure me otherwise. SMS-es, messages, and emails with kind words about me. Things I already know, but feel good to hear all the same.


Q: And how else would you know?

A: When you tell one of them that a goose of a certain color is calling you, she tells you she would go for it and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Not judging you of anything.


How lucky am I to have this many good friends... I miss you guys... mmuuaahhhs!

Long weekend...

Hello there.. It has been a while since I was last here. My first semester is officially over, and I even have the grades for all my classes. I did pretty well, Alhamdulillah. Thank you to Iddy for helping me with crazy accounting concepts. I have to start a buku tiga lima with Iddy, I owe her so much now.

In the next four days I will be lazing around, recuperating from the hectic year 2006. I am armed with many Katharine Hepburn + other classic movies, and have already seen The Philadelphia Story 3 times (it is officially my favorite movie now). Other than a short trip to Berkeley tomorrow for some paperwork, I do not plan to go anywhere (or even leave the city) this weekend.

This will be my last slow weekend of the year. Next week I am flying out to New Jersey to see Nils. Oddly enough, I have recently come to realize, feel, and appreciate how nice Nils is treating me. One Sunday morning he called me at 8 am, and I was cursing and swearing as I was picking up the phone. But before I could say anything, I heard Nils being all excited "Baby, I'm at Coach, do you want something from here? Do you want a laptop bag?" I didn't know what to say. I don't usually go gaga at Coach stuff, but for some reason his gesture really moved me.

Here is this guy, 3000 miles away from me, busy in the middle of painting his place, moving into a messy house (with slanted living room floor and all), busy shopping for his family and friend's X'mas gifts, had already bought me several gifts in the last month, and yet still had it in him to call and ask if I wanted something from a store he was at. I have to say, that was the nicest, awesomest thing a guy has ever asked me. Sometimes I feel that Nils has it in his head that it is part of his responsibility to make sure I am happy. And for that I am very grateful. Maybe even though he doesn't say the things I wish he would say, the way I wish he would say them, he still loves me a whole lot. And tonight when he called and told me he was too tired to drive home to Pete's and will sleep at the new place instead, I wished I were there to unpack the sheets and make the bed for him. Me, wishing I could make the bed for a guy- that is so unkokanglike conduct. What is happening to me?

ps: I wonder if I will be getting anything from Ken's jewelry store this year... (dalam terharu tetap tamak)

Leisure activities

I've taken to a new hobby nowadays - watching old classic movies. I love the simplicity of the scenes, subtle emotional cues, and especially how the movies don't try so hard to be realistic. And I love the characters' mannerism - so very polite. So far, my favorite is Woman of the Year and Desk Set. So cute to watch Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy falling in love. One such a cold career woman and the other a softie. Sometimes it tickles me how clean these old movies are. The darkened room scenes, silhouette of a kiss, etc. And it confuses me when they talk about money. How much was $20,000 worth back then? My other favorites are Walk, Don't Run (Cary Grant reminded me of Sean Connery in this one), It Happened One Night, and Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. There are many more that I like actually, tapi takde kerja lah tu nak list them all here.

Tuesday is marketing final, and Thursday is accounting. After that, I'm freeeeeee - for three weeks. We were going to have a birthday party this weekend since CC's birthday is on the same day as mine. But after they all flaked out on last night's plan, I don't know if I'd count on it. It's times like that that I miss Nils the most. At least I know he wouldn't ditch me.

Welcome, winter

It was nice to have a couple of days away from the office. Thanksgiving dinner at the mountain house was nice. Nothing out of the ordinary, just sitting and yapping. Weather was quite whacky, it was in the 60s in DC and New Jersey, and it's in the 40s here in SF Bay Area. Brrr... I now sleep with the windows closed. Winter is officially here.

Two more weeks before wrapping up the first semester. My extra project at work started yesterday, and I'm thinking of offering my soon-to-be free time to devote to the project so I can get more experience. Work nowadays have turned into mini ventures of trying to get into areas I might want to be in after business school (and green card).

Nils and I had a serious talk about things while I was out there for a visit. We've kind of switched gears from asking "Should we..." to "How do we...". Perhaps in trying to answer this question we will discover whether we can find a way to do it, and whether we have the stomach for what might lie ahead. Life choices beckon.

I did one thing right

Hah, the best thing I did recently was to quit gym. :) I've left that whole world behind me. Gym membership and exercise machine ads no longer draw a reaction from me. I hardly notice them anymore. I have built an antibody against that world and things associated with it. Today I realized I don't even think about exercising anymore. It's a relief, I tell you. I don't have thoughts like "I'm supposed to go to the gym today", or "Oh no, I haven't been to the gym in four weeks". I'm freeeeeeeee! When people ask me, I proudly tell them "I quit."

Now, if only I can answer the same when they ask about these other things.

Today's random thoughts:

• When something happens that doesn't sit well with you, does it eventually settle down as time goes by, or do you have to put in an effort to do something about it?

• Today, even the thought of accommodating other people wears me out. I'm all hostessed out.

• At work, why have I been in a hostile mood for the past few months? Why don't I feel like stopping from being a bitch?

• I feel so tired all day, think about taking a nap all the way driving home from work, and yet, when I get home I stay up all night and wake up early the next day.

• Why? Why? Why? Why this and why that? And where? Where are can I find the answers?

• I wonder if MC already updated her blog or put up new pictures yet...

• Ah, Iddy masih tidur. Kalau tak, boleh kacau dia.

• Pity party.

Finally, we get our grades

Grades for first quarter classes are out. Remember those people we sneered and jeered at back in our old college days? Those who whine about not getting that A they've so rightly earned? I've become one of them. Quite unfortunate, but I don't really care. I was pissed when I got my microecon grade - that was a few weeks ago, so I've calmed down significantly by now. Well, tonight we got our OB grades. And although it's not as good as I wanted it to be, I'm relieved it is not worse. I'm a little bummed at both my grades and am really trying to do better this quarter. How did S get As in both classes?? Bastard.... Well, I already told him how I feel about that, so don't worry, I haven't quite grown a malicious bone. Not added new ones, at least.

I thoroughly enjoy my classes and learning all the stuff, so if nothing else, I'd have enjoyed the whole journey by the end of this program. So here's to trying harder and maybe getting what you aim for. Cheers!

Toiyoiyoiyoing

It's super busy at work nowadays, I don't know where to begin. Have you ever feel like your feet are not touching the ground? I know I have more things to do than time to do them. And I'm sure some of these things will miss their deadlines, but I can't quite figure out which one. But when I lay out a schedule, it doesn't seem that bad, and they all fit! So why do I feel so overwhelmed? I know I'm not being the golden employee that I usually am. Too bad for my new boss, I don't think she's ever seen me at my best. Maybe that is too bad for me, but since I'm not chasing a promotion or whatever, I don't really mind. I just need to concentrate on school, do my best, collect my bonus yang sepuncit tu, and move on to the next step.

*sigh* Hang in there Kokes... The end is near. Well, nearer than yesterday, at least.

I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with my friends either. If any of you are reading this, thousand apologies, ok? I think about you guys EVERYDAY. Cuma tak write aje. Partly because I don't have any new stories to tell. It's all the same. School, work, busy busy busy, school, work some more, still don't know what's gonna happen with Nils, all those stuff. Nothing new. I am losing more weight, though. Hehehe.. Yahoo!

Laser

Hellooooo...

I hope everyone had a good raya. Mine was ok. That's kind of a lie, since I didn't really do anything out of the ordinary on 1st raya. Usual day at the office. Takpelah, I beraya dalam hati. Oh, I watched siaran langsung sembahyang raya from Masjid Negara at the office, I guess you can count that as the highlight of my raya. No worries, it's all good. Nanti ada rezeki tahun tahun depan bole beraya kat kampung.

As of late, I've become somewhat of a "mulut lepas" at the office (cerita ini takde kena mengena dengan raya). Yes, I speak my mind quite freely nowadays, despite the fact that my boss sits in the cubicle across from me. In fact, sometimes I hope she can hear me. No, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against her. She is my third boss, and so far I have been blessed to have three cool bosses in my career. It makes a world of a difference, having a nice boss. At least I don't feel like korek-ing my eyes out when thinking of doing all I can to help her achieve her goals. She's not lokek on sharing her knowledge of the industry practice, contacts at other companies, etc. And for that I will always be grateful. I've always wondered how people do things at other companies. Cuma tulah, sometimes when trying to help she actually adds to the work, so I have to bersabar and keep reminding myself that she means well. I think having female bosses who have kids is a pretty good thing. They have experience dealing with unruly behaviors.

If you are waiting for a point to this story, there is none. Only that realizing my new "mulut lepas" habit reminds me of my mom's comment to my brother and I on one malam before raya (Adik is even more laser than me, ok). "Dah, jangan nak mulut mulut laser kan mak. Mak dah tua." Hehehe... Apa pulak kena mengenanya dengan usia? Apa, kena duck from the laser beams ke? Pshyuu.. pshyuuu... pshyuuu... Hehehe... Sori ye mak... Maaf zahir batin!

:-S

Today I found this in my inbox:

Mak Long's birthday is on Wednesday November 1st.
Click below to choose an eCard and we will send it on Mak Long's birthday...
http://www.BirthdayAlarm.com/eCard/

Kind Regards,
BirthdayAlarm.com

Oh Poke

Once upon a time, in a forest far, far away, up in a tree, a kokang woke from its slumber and realized its slow poke of a neighbor was talking to it...

"Have you ever felt like you're running out of time, neighbor? Time is moving way too fast for me right now. That it is moving at all, is too much for me. How do I stop time? I want to stop it temporarily, and when I've caught up with my age and the things that happened in the last few years, then I will un-pause it. Give me some time off the clock to think things through. Can I borrow your crystal ball too, while I'm at it? Please?

I don't know yet what I'm looking for, neighbor. The thing that keeps me going everyday is the simple fact that I haven't found what I'm looking for. And what does it mean when your past seems sweeter than your future? Why is it that when I look forward all I see is a big blur? My neck is hurting from looking backwards all the time. I need a massage. When I was at that crossroad, did I not pick the right choice? How many years will it take to undo that mistake? Some things I have lost forever, I know. But surely the path I'm on can still take me to where I want to be. Do you think my heart's frost-bitten? Maybe that's why I can't feel. How is it possible to feel happy and numb at the same time? "

The kokang looked at its distraught neighbor and replied, "Poke, I don't know the answers to your questions. No, you cannot borrow my crystal ball, and no, I will not give you a massage. Now scram."

And with that, the kokang went back to sleep.

Selamat hari raya...

I was waiting for the elevator this morning when I looked out the hallway door and saw the dimly lit doorway of the apartment building across the street. It is barely light out, and there was nothing out of the ordinary that I can see. Yet, somehow the morning seems different. The garage was still dark when I got down. Someone has a new habit of turning off the lights every night. If only I knew where the light switch is. I'm usually not afraid of the dark, but today was a little different. It was a good thing I didn't have to move E's car to get out.

As I drove out, I saw that the ground was wet. It had been raining. I didn't even hear or smell it. The light drizzle wet my windshield. It looked like my windshield needs a new coat of Rain-X. And that reminded me, I should've worn my raincoat. I contemplated turning back to change, but decided against it. Today I didn't turn on the radio as I usually do when I get out of the garage. Partly because I am not interested in listening about someone's London Bridge wanting to go down, but mostly because I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. Random as they may be.

My alarm clock went off at 6.19 this morning. I'm pretty sure it had gone off earlier than that, since I set it for 5.30, but the buzzing at 6.19 was what I woke up to. I turned the clock off, jumped out of bed, and headed for the shower. None of the usual turning over and lying on my stomach, pillow-less and diagonally on the bed, while waiting for the alarm to go off again. In the shower I soaped myself twice, because I would otherwise be done showering too quickly.

All the while, I was thinking about my dream. It made me feel so weird. I dreamt about Mak Long, my mom, brothers, and others whom I cannot remember. In fact, I can't even recall what the dream was about. Yet it still threw me off my routine. It made me think about raya. It's almost that time of the year, and eventhough I should be used to celebrating it abroad by now, I am not. Which is why when I am not back home for it, I usually don't celebrate it at all. Or much, anyway. I suppose being able to re-join my lunch crew does lift my spirit. I won't lie about that.

My mom is also trying to get used to a new way of raya. The last few years have been especially rough for her, having to come up with a new raya routine (kubur - home - breakfast raya - nenek's house - Mak Long's), only to have it change again the following year because yet another loved one critical to the routine has passed on. Pretty soon more of our raya crowd will be underground than above. What do we do then? Maybe the kubur session before sembahyang raya would just extend longer and longer. We would need a big sack of flowers. We might need to special order them, in case the usual florist we go to doesn't have enough.

Well, obviously when my cousins marry and breed, the family will grow again. Except now we will all have our own nucleus to gather around during holiday times. Once in a while we will break the norm and bring our families to visit our ex- raya circle. The kids will not understand why they have to visit uncles and aunts they don't even know. I know I didn't. But we will know why, and hopefully we will still do it and enjoy seeing each other again, even if the days of playing buaya buaya are long gone.

I suppose this is part of growing up.

I don't have an interesting title...

4 units down, 38 to go before graduation. Whoo hoo! :p My marketing class started yesterday. At first, I thought the prof (and class) was going to be really serious. (What kind of marketing class would that be?) His course syllabus sounds really "strict" - cold-calling, stay in the same seat, must read cases and prepare otherwise ur grade will go down the drain, etc. And when he spoke, he sounded really solemn. But he turned out to be quite funny. I like how he manages the time and how much people talk. He's not shy about cutting people off when they're rambling incessantly. Yes! No more air-time hogs. And I forced myself to get into a different group just so I will get to know more people in the class. Usually I'd try to stay with the same group just because it's easier. But I must be more social. Hehe...

I've looked at the Accounting course syllabus and it seems pretty straightforward. It doesn't look like we'll have a project. Phew! I just need to do my homeworks every week. Having gone through one quarter, I see that it's practically impossible for me to take 3 classes at the same time. Which means, unless they offer 2 classes that I want to take in the summer, I probably won't graduate in 2 years. Sedihnya!

Enough about school. Tonight I'm going to attempt to revive my old korok laptop. I went to Target to get CD-r to copy my data. Tonight I'm going to reformat my hard drive. Lately my old laptop has been so slow, rasa macam nak je campak keluar tingkap. I can turn it on, then go to the bathroom, get something to drink, and it still wouldn't be done booting up. Crap betul lah! So we'll see how it'll be after I reformat it.

This song makes me smile :)

Signs

I'm not sure of what I see
Cupid don't fuck wit me
Are you tellin' me this is a sign?
She lookin' in my eyes
Noticin' no other guys
Are you telling me this is a sign?
Ooh

Don't think about it
Boy leave her alone
Nig, you ain't no G
She likes my tone my cologne
and the way I roll
You ain't no G

It's legit
You know it's a hit
When the Neptunes and Doggy Dogg full of spit
You know we is in Tune with the season
Come here baby, tell me why you leavin'?
Tell me if it's weed that you need
If you wanna breathe
I got the best weed, minus seeds
Ain't nobody trippin VIP they can't get in
If something goes wrong then you know...

Now you steppin' with a G from Los Angeles
Where the helicopters got cameras
Just to get a glimpse of our chucks and our khakis and our bouncing cars
You with your friend, right?
Yeah
She ain't tryin' to bring up on her man, right?
No
Shit, she ain't gotta be in a distance
She can get high all in an instant.

Mami, Mamasita
Have you ever flown a G-five
From London to Ibiza
You gotta have Cape Town
You'll have Sundaes, wit chikitas
You'll see Venus, and Serena in the Wimbledon Arena
And I can take care of you

Nigga don't be young and foolish
You don't know what you're doing
You don't know what you've lost until she's gone (gone)
She got pretty face, drove you wild
But you ain't have that Snoop Doggy Dogg Style

Exams, pizza, bread, and milk

So one day I drive to work feeling like I'm on top of the world, and then the next day I wake up feeling like crap. It's been this way this whole week. I don't know what to blame this on. Maybe just hormones kot. School stress has kicked in full blown. Tomorrow is one final, and Sunday is another one. Tuesday we start the second half of the semester with Marketing. Or is it Accounting? It's one of those, I'll look it up on Monday.

It's been a week of bulan puasa. Selamat berpuasa kepada kawan kawan ku. I'm sure korang berbuka tak makan ice cold pizza :p At first I balked at the idea (Nils was the first person I've ever seen to eat cold pizza right out of the fridge), but now I've come to like it. Kind of like a salad, but much tastier. Pizza Hut should come up with that as a new product. The slogan can be "So good you can even eat it when it's cold". Ok, so I celup idea Gardenia. I miss Gardenia, by the way. It has been 10 years, and I still haven't found the perfect substitute for Gardenia bread. Sliced bread I mean. I've tried going to bakeries and getting their fresh loaves, but they're not as soft. I couldn't eat them on their own.

In the past few weeks I've developed a phobia for sour milk. How? Well, one morning I had my normal cocoa pebbles breakfast. Poured the milk. Took one big mouthful. And BLAH! SOUR! True, the milk was expired, but baru berapa hari aje. Already sour ke? So now everytime I pour myself a glass of milk (expired or otherwise), I dip one finger in it and taste it first. Most of the time I can't tell whether the milk is good, but I figured as long as I couldn't tell right away, it can't be that bad, right?

And finally, good news. I've lost 7 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Yeay!

Ok, time to get back to my studying. C' ya!

Playing this week...

The coakroach reference used to give me the creeps, but now I'm loving it :)

(the song, not the coakroach reference)

BLUE OCTOBER - Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

A little bit of this and that

I think it's starting to hit me that Nils doesn't live here anymore. All I want to do all day is curl up in bed, and when the sun is down, I want to stay up all night watching movies I've already seen more than 5 times. I have tons of school work to do but I haven't done any of them. I took today off to catch up on stuff, but what did I do? Put together my shoe rack, did laundry, cleaned up the apartment, and ironed my shirt for tomorrow. Pages read for tomorrow's lecture: zero.

My trip to Sydney was great. The first few hours I was pretty confused and didn't know what to do. I got to my hotel at about 8 am, left my bags, and headed to the city center. I was so disoriented, I had a spicy chicken kebab for breakfast. I didn't do much while I was there, except for some shopping, visited the casino, and took a tour to the wildlife park. The last day was a mad dash of last minute shopping. Why are the shops in Sydney only open from 10 am - 5 pm?

Thank God it's already Thursday. Two more days of work and it's the weekend. Nils will be here Friday night. I want to have some things planned for the weekend. I was thinking of booking a hotel room in the city or someplace and have ourselves a nice day out. But we'll see lah tomorrow. Don't ask me what's going on between me and Nils. Things are the way they are right now. I don't know where things are headed, and when we will move from this junction to the next path, whatever that may be. For now we're both far too busy to do anything about that. So there it is, we're firmly lodged between a rock and a hard place.

Al Fatihah

Mak Long passed away last night after a tough battle with cancer. I cannot imagine how sad the atmosphere in BP was. Mak said everyone was there. Even my forever stoic Pak Chu was crying. I'm sure he wasn't the only one. When I called, I only spoke to my mom, because after about 30 seconds both of us ended up sobbing on the phone and so I hung up and sms her instead what I wanted to say.

Boy was still on his way when Mak Long took her last breath. Good thing he already went home the week before to see her. Mak is 3 for 3 now, for making us call/come home to ask for forgiveness and say our goodbyes because she didn't think someone we all love would make it through the night.

My reaction today: head to work after about 3 hours of sleep, and stayed at the office for 16 hours. I would've stayed longer just so I don't have to come home and cry, but I have to do my homework and pack for tomorrow's trip. Mak Long, I hope you knew how much I love you, and I will always cherish our memories together. Everything from our trips to the hair salon, to the morning school rides, and the studying that you forced me to do. Now all of us at kampung will never get to eat arwah nenek's sambal goreng during raya anymore. You know that I wouldn't be who I am today without you, and now that you're gone, my life will never be the same. :*

*sigh*

U.S. embassy attack foiled - Yahoo! News

When my friends ask me, I used to tell them that in my opinion no one is more responsible for the bad image of Islam than us muslims. True, other factors make it worse, two examples - the overgeneralization (lumping us all in one group) and selective association (when was the last time you heard anyone identify a --insert other religion here-- terrorist?), but still...

I remember some ten years ago during our sponsor's orientation before coming to the US, I was reminded to behave myself while abroad, because I was carrying with me the image of our country - a sneak peek to the world of what Malaysia is like. Like a mini ambassador. Was that a lie?

Sometimes I think that since we cannot make history free from bias, maybe we should stop teaching history in school. Maybe then kids will not learn that they are supposed to hate the other kids from across the street simply because they are of a certain race or religion, even though they haven't even met. But of course, that is a silly idea because we will lose so much valuable information that makes the world they way it is, not to mention not being able to learn from previous mistakes. (Although, you can argue that nobody seems to learn from past mistakes, that we probably shouldn't count this as a downside?)

*sigh*

Is there a way we can all win? I'm so tired of all this shit. The world really is going to shits.

Uhuh...

60 Minutes has a segment on the dust of 9/11 causing people to get sick.

Right.

What about the radiation the US military left in Hiroshima?

ps: let me just say too though, 9/11 was a tragedy. My point is, what is up with the media chewing up on some stories and spitting out something along the line of a hairball?

Midterm oh midterm

Nothing like exams to remind me that I am now once again a student. I had my first midterm today. I was studying quite diligently over the holiday weekend, taking a break only to go to a bbq, from which I was driving home when I got pulled over by po-po. That was a close call. Too close. Not going to do that again. What a big mess it could've been.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night, which is usually a good sign for me as far as exams go. I'm only nervous about exams that I think I can do well at. If not, why bother worrying, right? Might as well go to sleep if I'm going to botch it. Anyway, I found myself concentrating hard, trying to think about nothing. It was so hard, keeping my mind blank. All these thoughts kept creeping in - work, Nils, where my life is going, work, midterm, green card, exercise, fat, and the list goes on. I have to say, though, that I quite enjoy being off my medication. Now I'm not tired all the time, and hopefully I can finally shed these pounds. The downside is that I'm back to having trouble falling asleep. But maybe for the time being I'd rather be up all night than be fat and tired all day. Between working and school, I need all the energy I can get, it might be a blessing that I can't sleep. More time for my project! (right...)

I've made hotel reservations for my trip next week. I'm so excited I can't wait! I'm thinking of whale watching and taking a wildlife tour. I want to see kangaroos, koalas, platipus, wallaby, and emus. And I really really want to hug a koala! Even if just to make Angel jealous. Hee hee hee. I'm so evil.

Several people asked how things are with me and Nils. Truth is, I don't quite know. We're still together for now, I suppose. Although not in my favorite-est kind of way. I'm looking forward to his visit. Maybe I'll make him tell me his life story. It's like that one line from this movie: "So you were born, then you went home, and then what?" Yes, that's what I'm gonna ask him...

**Tomorrow is the first day of football season! Hurray!**

:)

Happy Birthday Barbara!!

:)

Three things that made my day today:

1) My breakfast

2) My new school bag

3) My backup plan

Ah.. I am not alone after all

* grin *

"Why Can't I?" Liz Phair

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't f****d yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

These days just the thought of him makes me smile and makes my heart swell. :)

God knows what would happen when I actually meet him.

Run Kokang, run

The grind of schoolwork is starting to kick in. I constantly worry that I'm not spending enough time on school stuff, especially now, with the looming econ midterm. So this week I started early and managed to get some studying done Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday. My inability to retain information is startling me, though. I've always kind of thought I could learn things quickly, but these days, I have to read and reread and really digest the info for it to stick in my brain (signs of aging?). Seriously though, I'm a little worried about that too (not being able to retain info, in addition to not spending enough time on studying in the first place *sigh*). Maybe my brain just needs a little exercise to get back in shape.

On another front, I've started my exercise regimen of running around the block. For two weeks I contemplated re-joining the gym. I desperately need to get back in shape, and I don't like to run on the street. I hate stopping at the junctions, lights, etc. - should I jog while I wait, which kind of look silly, or should I just stop cold, which kind of sucks? - those kind of dilemmas. But since running on the street is free, I decided to give it a shot. If I absolutely hate it, then I'll join a gym. After doing it for 2 days, I find that it's really not that bad. Three blocks west of my apartment, there is no traffic lights for a good stretch of the way, so I can run through the stop signs. And if I run early enough, there are really no cars on the road. To my dismay, I could only run for 4 blocks before having to stop and pant like a dog. My plan is to run 4 days a week, even if only for half an hour at a time. At the end of the day, even if I end up walking the better part of the mile home, I'm still burning more calories than if I were to laze around stuck on my couch. So a pat in the back for me for sticking with it for the past two days. Yeay!

I wonder if it's too far to walk 1.8 mi to Union Square on weekends...

Oh, I saw Before Sunrise yesterday. I can see why Iddy likes it. The info blurb said "a talkfest between blablabla". Haha, talkfest. Yup, perfect description. Good movie, made me wonder what's out there for me.

Just a reminder

If you look middle eastern, don't go around buying too many phones, ok?

And if you really want to buy phones, if the store says you can only buy 3, don't go and buy 80.

And don't take too many pictures of bridges.

It's all about looks these days.

Lots of zzzzzzz....

The first week of school came and went. All in all it wasn't that bad. Of course, things haven't gone into full swing yet, which is a good thing, considering I'm still adjusting to my new schedule. Leaving work early twice a week to go to class is the easy part, but finding time and forcing myself to work on the homeworks and readings is proving to be much much more difficult. I sat on the couch to read, and as a result, today alone I have watched The Pallbearer (only because I caught a glimpse of Michael Vartan while flipping the channels), Chasing Liberty, Must Love Dogs, and Pleasantville. Then this evening, I finally settled down, and was in the middle of my Econ reading assignments when it occurred to me that I need to recharge my laptop, update my bookmarks, fix the tiny font, etc. Even Paris Hilton's music video called out to me. You tell me whether I'm having trouble focusing. But, I will be better at it. I know it. I have to be.

The good thing is, I'm caught up with my sleep. So no more "I'm tired, I didn't have a weekend last week" excuse. My new budget is all worked out too. Tomorrow I have to go to the accounting office to change paycheck stuff. It's been a productive weekend.

My new t-shirt came in on Saturday. Just in time for me to wear it to lunch with K. CT. It's cute, ok. Here, look:

(Click on it to see a bigger picture. Hehehe...)

Just looking at the shirt lifts up my spirit. Ok, I'm going back to my reading. I hope you had a good weekend too.

First day of school

Sometimes I still have a hard time believing I got in. But it's feeling more real after yesterday's orientation. After listening to the speeches during the orientation, I realized that my essays were right on the money. Unbelievable. Innovative and risk-taker, that's what Haas is looking for. Of course, if I had done my homework for my application, I would've known that months ago, before I write the essays.

I sincerely have to thank Adam Gordon (he's the author of MBA Admissions Strategy), I couldn't have done it without him. Especially since we got it all done in 8 days. (I didn't decide to apply until the very last minute. Itu pun Nils yang paksa. If I remember correctly, I emailed Adam on Tuesday, took the GMAT on Friday, and submitted the application on the following Tuesday. That was how last minute it was.) Anyway, Adam's help was worth every penny. Very personal and tailored to what I needed. I found his website completely by accident too. I was looking online for consultants, and stumbled upon his website. And then noticed that the book highlighted on that site looked awfully familiar. Turned out I just bought his book a couple of days before. He had a free trial, so I emailed him what I had of my essay (it wasn't much of an essay, trust me), and waited for him to answer my SOS email. Long story short, 8 days later we submitted my Haas application. Money well spent. (If you're looking for more than essay edits, then you should definitely check out his webpage.) Idlan helped me with one of the essays. Even Adam said that one was good. I submitted it as is after Iddy modified it. Hehehe. I still owe her the gift I said I was gonna send. Yes, shame on me. I haven't caught Jack Johnson yet, beb. Sabar eh?

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I do have butterflies in my stomach. I've met most of my classmates, so there really is not much left to be nervous about. I hope I get a cool study group, and I hope I'll make some friends.

I'm kind of glad the first year is structured more like a quarter system. The last time I was in a semester school, it didn't go so well. Ahem. Anyway, this time the first two semesters are broken into two, and we take 2 courses at a time. At least I know I won't be bored with the course materials in 9 weeks. I'll be scrambling to catch up. I'm sure of that. They gave our backpack + textbooks + readers during the orientation. I might dive into some of that tonight. I've always hated feeling like I'm already behind during the first class.

Wish me luck ok? And I'm sure some of your will hear me complaining about school soon.

:-S

SMS conversation I had with Nils yesterday:

Me: Baby, I have bad news :-S

Nils: What?

Me: I found Ferragamo laptop bag.

Nils: It’s silly to spend as much on laptop bag as you did on computer. :-S You should buy the bed and have more storage. (the bed has drawers underneath)

Me: Yea, but this will be my briefcase. I’ll only have one briefcase.

Nils: Until you see one next season?

Me: But it’s really nice. It’ll last me forever.

Nils: Think you should reach down really carefully and pull out the burr. Hehehe

Cisss…

Hellooooo....

Sunday when I was in class, it occurred to me that this might be one of the rare moments where I sincerely feel that life is good. Life is good. The last time I felt this way, I was a sophomore, one of my best friends just got himself a convertible, and the three of us were driving down University Avenue on a pleasant summer afternoon, heading for the marina. I remember marking that day in my mind - the best day of my life.

Despite all my whining, I have to admit, life is going pretty good for me right now. After 5 years, I finally made friends at work. Friends friends. Not just people I occasionally hang out with after work. A good friend used to tell me, when I was complaining about not having anyone around, just be myself and I will find myself among "my people". I guess for me, those are the ones who can join me my lawak bangang, find humor in just about anything, and find significance in things like bowel movements, protruding tummies, and worldwide hair removal habits. I am having fun, and when I'm not, I don't feel like I'm all alone.

Orientation is this weekend, and class officially starts next Thursday. I can't believe the shit I have to wade through to finally get to learn the things I want to learn. (I wonder how long I'll feel this way about school.) Which reminds me, I still need to finish the online Accounting intro thingy.

Between my new-found friends, living in the city, and starting my MBA, I have to say, life if pretty darn good right now. Despite how things may be in a couple of months, today I'm living my dreams. (Thank you, God :* )

Jam?

Today for the first time I really felt Nils not being here. I was at the grocery store trying to get some spread, I saw that there were preserves, and then there were jams. Beats the heck out of me what the difference is. I remember I asked Nils that question before, and he told me what the difference was (or are they the same? I forget.). I stood in the aisle for a bit, looking at both bottles. Didn't occur to me to look at the ingredients. Called Nils but he didn't pick up (turned out he was on the other line with his realtor). I stood there some more, and then picked up the Nutella. Looked at the calorie: 2 tbsp = 200 calories. Too much. I knew that if I got preserves/jam, I'd put a thin layer on my toast, but if it's Nutella, I'd pile it on. Too yummy to resist! Hell I might end up snacking just on the Nutella. So I looked more at the preserves and jam. Couldn't decide, so I just walked away. Now I only have bread, no spread. Guess I'll be having plain toast tomorrow. :-S See, Nils would know things like that. How on earth did I manage to know so little about groceries?

Malasnya!

Please help me. I've become extremely lazy and demotivated. I just want to sit home and do nothing. The best hour of my day is lunch time, when the three of us sit in a car with our tapioca drinks and laugh at everything and anything. Once lunch hour is over, I go back to my desk and try really hard to get these papers moving again (these days I am a paper pusher). I. Just. Can't.

I bought my tickets to Sydney today. I've yet to tell my boss that I'll be taking a few days off in September. Hopefully I can talk A and C into going with me. Otherwise it'll just be me. Not even sure if Isz will be there. Haven't heard from her yet.

School is almost starting. Orientation is next week. I better send in those transcript this week. Let me add that to my to do list. *sigh*

Here we go...

Name 5 people who are currently on your current list of “most favourite blog mates”

Even in cyberspace I'm antisocial. So I don't think I have even 5 blog mates, let alone 5 favorites. For whatever it's worth, they've gotta be: MC, Idlan, errr who else? And these two I knew from school. Ok, 2007 resolution, must make more friends.

Name 5 types of people who irk, amaze, amuse, disgust you.

… irk: people who can't see a good idea unless it comes out of the mouth of someone with a management title. (synonym: see asshole, idiot)
… amaze: people with a good heart, selfless, who have done so much with their lives, in their lifetimes, and yet are still humble and down to earth as if they are still trying to figure out what it is about life that they love.
… amuse: Like in a good way? Nothing comes to mind right now. I'm gonna have to shelve this one.
… disgust: people who don't know their shit but want to put up an act like they have a clue on what's going on. What's wrong with admitting you don't know?

Name 5 hot male/female celebrities

Male:
… Michael Vartan
… Hugh Jackman
… Ashton Kutcher
… Shahrukh Khan
… Matt Czuchry (hehehe...)

Female:
… Keira Knightley
… Rachel Weisz
… Kate Hudson

Name 5 things you are passionate about.

… absorbing information about random things.
… shopping around for a deal when I decide what I want to get.
… making something a little bit easier. For anyone.
… about whatever it is that I have my mind set on at a particular moment. (This is when Nils will say: "Burr alert." As in burr up ass. Hey, I'm a go-getter. When I see something I like, I go get.)

Name 5 blogs that you love reading.

In no particular order, ok?
… Organized Chaos. Oh ok, Organised Chaos
… My Nothingness
… Misadventures, grasshopper (I still miss Anuar's blog)
… Macvaysia
… Annotations
… Minishorts
… Rhetorical Letter
… Esty's Own

And many more.....

Give 5 phrases that describe you

… “Hang the code, and hang the rules. They're more like guidelines anyway.” --- Yes, this is from that movie...
… “Hey, that thing's expired!”
… "Are you crazy?”
… “klako lah ko ni”

If you feel like it, consider yourself chosen...

Settling down

I've been meaning to post for a while. Honest. Things are a little wild what with the moving and what not. I came back from North Carolina on Monday. It was Nils's usual family vacation. We decided we should both go, have fun, and take it from there. Now he's permanently moved to the East Coast. (Sob sob...) He's still trying to settle down, looking for a new place. I'm still slowly unpacking, throwing out as much stuff as I can. I'm doing it differently this time. Instead of taking everything out of the box, this is what I do:

1) Wait until I'm looking for something, for example, say I have a headache and need aspirin. Then I would...
2) think hard about where in the apartment I would look if I were trying to find aspirin.
3) Dig in my unpacked boxes until I find my aspirin.
4) Take 2 tablets.
5) Put the bottle at the place I identified in Step 2 above.

This way I have a place for everything, and I know where everything is. How good is that? Maybe after 6 months, if I still have unpacked boxes, I could just throw them away, since obviously I do not need or miss them.

Now if only I can find a tiny computer desk to put my laptop and software disks in. Maybe more of a stool with drawers. Hmmm, that reminds me, they have that at the office. The drawers with the cushion top. I wonder if they make a home version of that.

I love the city

I love my new place. This morning I had to look for a hardware store and decided to just walk around to find one, and there's one just two blocks from my apartment (!). Even managed to find cheap laundry places (99 cents/ lbs for wash and fold, in case I get lazy).

Got home with my new tools and got cracking at putting my couch together. It came in 5 huge boxes that the apartment manager quite kindly moved into my apartment while I was at work.

It was one of those assemble-it-your-damn-self kind. When I saw that online, I thought what the heck, how hard could it be. A couple of nuts and bolts, velcro, and I'll be done and would've saved myself hundreds of $$. It would've been that simple if the screw holes were aligned. Dammit. I had the couch in all kinds of position while I was putting it together. Half the screws wouldn't go in, so I just threw 'em out and put the bottom cover on. Thankfully, it's still sturdy. Actually, after I was done (and after I took this picture) I stumbled on 5 funny wooden blocks. Turned out they're the couch legs. I was supposed to attach them before putting on the bottom cover. I almost threw those out too. Almost.

So after all that work + putting together the TV stand, I'm left with blistering thumb, numb fingers, and hurting back. Owwwiieee....

I'm off to bed to let my body mend itself. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to finish packing stuff at my old place and hopefully can bring everything back here in one trip. I want to be done with moving shit around and get started on settling down. Might even drop by at Nils's place to see how the open house is going.

Enjoy your weekend, people!

Busy busy busy

I've been missing in action for a while. Too many things to do, too little time. Last week (or was it the week before?) I received the good news. I got into Berkeley! Yeay!!! It is too good to be true. Thank you God for giving me a second chance. I was so happy, I almost started jumping up and down in my cube. But I didn't. I waited until I was outside. God knows how happy I am. Now's my chance to redeem myself, to really do what I want to do, and to really make the most of college experience. Damn I can't wait. School starts in August, so between now and then I have to make arrangements (such as who will pay for it) and prepare myself for a hectic 3 years.

Last week too, I signed my lease for my new apartment. I'm on my way to creating a new routine to better survive my post-Nils days. Today I actually sat down and drew a layout of my apartment. To scale. Using a software of course. But still, it's pretty cool. I had to check whether I can fit a queen bed in my studio, that's why I went through all that trouble. I still want some space left for a love seat, coffee table, and TV. I have to buy one thing at a time due to budget constraint. Today I bought my mattress. I'll wait another couple of weeks before I order my bed. I can't wait to get settled in my new place. It's gonna be a fun summer. I can tell.

Hope you guys had a good weekend. Nils's friend is in town, so we're having dinner (I'm being anti-social and came in to post instead). Anyway, we're sitting around chatting and watching movies. I already went to happy hour with work friends last night, so tonight I'm being a good girl. It's almost bed time. Tomorrow I have loads of stats homework and studying to do. Two more weeks and I'll be done with stats forever. I hope.

Learn

I learned something new today. Well, more like discovered something new. It came to me like a revelation.

There are choices we make in life that lead us to things that are irreversible.

Of all the things that I think about, I've never thought of this. To tell you the truth, it's freaking me out a little. I've made a lot of choices, thankfully nothing major. So far only one that I hope I can still change, but mostly I'm happy with the decisions I made. From now on I must be careful. Especially when making big decisions (or small ones that doesn't seem big but lead to big things all the same). Some things lead to a path that I can never retrace. Thank you God for holding my hands all these time and helping me choose the right things. Thank you. Please don't let me forget this lesson. And please don't let go of my hands.

Friday

What do you when you have a protocol to write, but your self-discipline simply refuse to cooperate?

On other fronts, things are moving along. Things happen and you move on. Maybe Nils and I ada jodoh and will stay together, who knows. But for now, let's focus on the moving along part. It's always been my belief that when one person move away, the one who get left behind suffers more. I'll be left with my old routine, except it'll have to be different because the other person is not there anymore. I'll be buying Tapioca Express drinks for one, and will not feel like rushing home after work because there will be nobody there anyway. This is my solution: I will develop a completely new routine. I think it will involve moving some 30 miles up north, but I've been dreaming about it for so long, why not do it now, right? It'll take time to get used to my new place, surrounding, and not to mention the commute. That should take my mind off of the fact that Nils is not here anymore. Quite a good excuse to pay double my current rent for half my current space. Well, good enough for me, anyway. If only I could afford to buy my own place around here. *sigh*

Ok, I better get some things done before I leave. Heck, it's time to go home. I wonder if I should just bring this home and work on it over the weekend...

Our secret language

Hahaha! I don't have to go to work today! I took today off for medical check up. How nice to lounge around in my robe on a weekday. I had my blueberry muffin breakfast with Nils, and will head back to bed soon. Hehehe...

Did I ever tell you that Nils and I have our own language? If you've played Sims before, then you'd already have a preview of it. Instead of saying things in our hearts when we are made to do things we don't really want to do - for example when one of us has to get up and turn off the lights simply because I'm/he is closer to the switch - we grumble out loud. Except you can't really catch the words. Do you really need to hear the exact words to know what the other person is cursing about? No. You basically know the gist of it. Here's an example:

On the couch, while watching TV:

Kokes: Hey! You drank all of my soda! (even though it was actually Nils's, but hey, what's his is mine, right?) Baby get more soda?

Nils: You go get.

Kokes: You're closer. (This is house rule, whoever is closer has to do it.)

Nils: Hmmmm.. Miumuonibedubopunilumimiu (which basically means: Why? Why do I have to get up? Can't someone else do it? The couch is so comfy, I don't want to get up, dammit!)

Kokes: Hehehehehe.... Yess!

So now you get it, right? So while sometimes I don't quite know what his complaints are, at least I know he's complaining and most of the time I can guess what he's saying. Haha. It's fun. You try it.

Thanks...

Sorry if I alarmed you. I'm doing ok, despite everything that's going on. I'm trying not to think about it for now. At least until Nils moves, which is probably in about 3 weeks or so. I really don't know what I'm gonna do after that. For now, I need to finish my school application, especially since I don't have much of a chance to get into Haas. I'll find out for sure in 2 weeks.

Thanks for the messages and phone calls. Don't mind if I take you up on your listening ears offers nanti eh? Hehehe..

My chart

See this chart on the left? This is what I call Koke's breakup emotion chart. Yes, when you're a nerd, even your misery can be graphed. The area above the x-axis represent positive outlook, and the area below it represent horrid, negative, pessimistic ones. There are significant swings between the two areas. One minute it feels like it's all happening for the better and I'll be better off, and another minute it feels like my life is on it's way down the toilet and I go through a myopic period where I can't see past the next five minutes (and it's not just because of the tears).

As you can see, the whole episode starts with small bumps, which is generally when things start to rock, and not in a good way. The chart is a little misleading here, mostly due to my inability to control the mouse to draw nice small curves. But this period can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 1 year, depending on your level of denial and strength to do "the right thing". Then comes the real thing. This is when things go into full swing, so to speak. The curve dips further down, and this period is usually accompanied by lots and lots of tears coming and going. The coming usually longer than the going, but this too will change with time.

As time goes by, the swing becomes smaller and shorter, and the tears will dry up. By this time, I'd be able to look back and think of the good times we had together, but I usually don't. My motto is to make the best of things, and never look back. Eventually, I'll get to a point where things stop hurting, and I don't care anymore. Then, and only then, I can get back in touch with the other person without the aura of ill-feelings. I suppose you can say that at this point I've forgiven and forgotten. I can say hi here and there. But based on past experiences, my path are usually far from the other person's that this doesn't happen. I don't go out of my way to say hi. At least not to these people. (Oh, the bitterness) How I wish I could fast forward to this time. Penatlah jadi ratu air mata ni...

My USB flash

I have a USB flash drive that I use from time to time. So tell me the signs of a flash drive going corrupt, so I'll know when I need to replace it. I like my flash drive, even though it's not a fancy schmancy one. I like how it's simple and unflashy (despite its name). It's white, see-through, and I want to bring it wherever I go. It holds so much information, I've gotten dependent on it.

Let me tell you the part why I think it's going corrupt. Sometimes I have trouble transferring files to and from it. Transferring out is much much much harder than transferring in. Some days it's like drawing blood from a rock. Ok, I'm exaggerating a little, but still, these communication breakdowns drive me nuts. Maybe the flash drive's made for Apple, and therefore I must be an Orange. The other thing too, it doesn't seem like I can put on it as much as I'm supposedly able to. And that part frustrates me the most. Why wouldn't it go all the way? It's not that I have enough things to put on there to fill it up. But I'd like to know that if I want to, I could. Should I toss it out now before it craps out on me? Tell me.

I remember in Blink, Malcolm Gladwell said that at some point, your significant other becomes an extension of yourself. You won't try to remember everything, because there are some things that you know your other half knows. That's kind of how things have become with me and Nils. I find myself not even paying attention to the roads. I'm still not quite sure I can get to Draeger's by myself even though it's only a ten-minute drive and we go there all the time (I think I can, it's just that I've never tried). I've become comfortable with the fact that I can ask him anything, and most of the time, he'll have the answer. For example, I don't have to remember whether camels have one hump or two. Or how many Kennedys there are left. Or how much my mortgage payment will be if I put 20% down. Things like that. He's become an extension of my memory. Like my USB flash drive.

And like I said, I think my USB flash drive is going corrupt. I might have to find a replacement soon. That's my sad story.

Bust

Ok, so I didn't win my tuition fees like I planned to. But at least I still have some money left after the trip, right? Nils and I both did unbelievably bad at the craps table. It was the longest coldest streak I've ever seen. Sad, but that's not the saddest part. And that is sad.

Ironically, while browsing the bookstore at SFO, I bought a book on how to be a millionaire. It's a pretty good book. I learned a couple of new things about home ownership. And as far as automatic savings go, I'm proud to say, I've already started doing the things the author talked about - even before reading the book. Yeay! 10 points and a pat on the back for me. But, oh wait, I just donated half of my paycheck at the craps table. Minus 20 points. :-S

C'mon now

Ah, screw the uncertainties. We're going to Reno!! Yeay! Yesterday morning my phone buzzed while I was in a meeting. Nils asked if I want to go to Reno this weekend. Luckily my boss was ok with the last minute day off, and within hours we were booked on a Friday flight out. I can't wait! So tonight I'm sending Nils off to the airport for his trip. Friday morning he comes back, and we fly out together in the afternoon. We're gonna have fun fun fun.. (til her daddy takes her t-bird away. lalaalalaalaa) Wish me luck, ok? I might need to win my school fee, what with the unfolding situation and all.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you know, but you just don't want to believe. No, I don't want to believe. Please tell me it's not true.

Weekend

I managed to get through my Saturday doing every single thing that was on my plan. Including the exercising. I'm so proud of myself. Now to keep those calories down. No more buying snacks. Or those delicious vanilla ice cream hand-dipped in chocolate sauce and almond bits.

Today I was cleaning up my inbox and got rid of a bunch of old emails. Tucked some away into folders, just in case I want to look at those ones again, although in reality, I've never really gone through my folders except to look for addresses, phone numbers, and bank account numbers. While I was cleaning, I came across my mom's sms telling me my atuk passed away. It has been almost two years, and the sms is still in my inbox. And today, after my cleaning, it is still there. For some reason, I couldn't file it away. Not yet, anyway. Maybe some part of me wants it there just in case I forget. Forget what? I don't know. It still makes me smile, the last joke he cracked when I was sitting by his side. I had left his bedside to rake the leaves on the front lawn, when suddenly there was thunder and rain started pouring. So I ran in, dried myself, and went back to sit with atuk. He was awake, so I started talking to him. "Hujan lebat, tok." To which he weakly replied, "Ha, iyelah. Abis tu nak di apa kan..." And then he smiled. Betul jugak, what was I thinking? Couldn't find anything better to talk to him about? Never underestimate the clarity of mind of a 90-year-old. Even when he's bed-ridden.

So this weekend is almost over. I finished two books, to Nils's dismay - I ignored him all weekend and buried my nose in my books. I even cleaned the kitchen, did the wash, paid my bills, and ran some errands. I saw Milo 3-in-1 at the store and thought of Idlan. No Nescafe 3-in-1 though, dude, or else I'd mail you some :) Nils is now asleep on the couch next to me, and left his prison documentary on. It was a shark documentary earlier. I asked him if this is what "normal American" do, sit home all day and watch tv. I think I was just homesick. I thought of what I'd be doing if I were back home this very minute. I doubt it would be sitting in front of the tv. I picture that there'll be more people around, certainly my brothers, maybe some relatives too? But I really don't know, because the only times I've been home in the last ten years are during vacations. Things are different when you're on vacation. People are nice to you. Everyone's nice to you when you just come home to visit. I wonder how it'd be if I really live there. Well, at least the weather here is pretty nice these days. Looks like spring is here. A little late, but here nonetheless.

Come meet Kokang...

It's my new habit now, to wake up on Saturday morning, think about exercising, and then head straight for my laptop to shop online. Browse Banana Republic sale page, Neiman Marcus sale page, buy one thing for me, one more new t-shirt for Nils, and I'm ready to start my day. Thank you God, for those free shipping online coupons, or else I'd be wasting all those dollars that could be spent on another pants.

I have ambitious plans for today. Go to the post office to mail in my midterm, get my usual nutella and banana crepes for breakfast, exercise at home, and then wait for the mailman. The rest of the weekend, I'm just going to be myself (read: lazy) and chill. Maybe I'll watch my Netflix movies that just came in. I moved Nils's movies further down the queue and moved up my Ashton Kutcher movies + another goofy movie that I'm sure Nils is praying he doesn't have to watch. I promise I'll be nice and let Nils have his movies when I return these. Urgh, those horror, scary movies. They're almost as stressful as work.

Oh, so yesterday I started wearing my new Harley motorcross light jacket (bought courtesy of Uncle Hilton's casino). I bought it only a few weeks ago, and already I'm wearing it. That is unusual for me. In general, new clothes that I buy tend to sit in the closet for quite a while. I don't even take the tag and price off, they just sit there. And then when they are ermmm not new anymore (even though technically they are, because they still have the tag) they'll get pulled into my normal clothes circulation.

Last year I bought, oh ok, Nils bought me a black rain coat. I probably only wore it once or twice last year, and only so Nils doesn't feel bad or think I don't like it. See I LOVE the jacket. Those sailor-like clasps are so gorgeous! When I first tried the jacket on, I couldn't take it off. Nils will gladly agree with me there. I persuaded (yeah, I think that's the right word. "Badger" is much too strong, not to mention irrelevant to the situation) him to buy it for me, since the price was a little bit out of my reach. But anyway, it pretty much sat in my closet for a whole year. And then this year, I wore it almost every day during the rainy season. Everyone loved it. I got compliments left and right. (I told you it's a nice jacket.) Anyway, my point is, I don't know why I do that. I just don't like wearing new new shirt, jacket, or shoes, I guess. I have to break them in first. Even if only in my mind. The whites on my new shoes used to drive me crazy. So clean and bright and obviously new. So blinding! But I've since solved that problem. I've stopped buying shoes with whites on them a long time ago. Creative solution, no?

Idiosyncracies aside, I'm starting to shop for clothes again. I was on a hiatus, what with being a tad overweight and all. But that is now over. No, I haven't lost the pounds, but I've decided that I should still shop while losing weight, and then when I can't fit into my fat-kokang clothes anymore, I'll just donate them. That is a more healthy strategy, don't you think?

Ok people, my stomach is growling. I'm gonna hit the shower and embark on my ambitious Saturday journey. You have a good weekend, ok?!

Screen protector

I've always thought screen protectors are dorky. But I've changed my mind. For the first time ever, when I bought my latest phone, I didn't immediately remove the lame screen shield that came with it. I love the phone! The pictures on the screen look so pretty, I wanted it to stay that way. So I swallowed my pride and for a week, while waiting for the screen protector I ordered online to get here, I looked like an idiot carrying my phone around without taking off the ugly, factory-installed screen protector. I thought the one that I bought would look like that too. I wasn't sure how long I could stand it.

But this morning, my order from Clarivue came. I put the protector on my phone, and I have to say, it's really awesome!!! You can barely tell it's there. The screen is as bright as when it's bare. Yeay!!! I'm so happy! If you're looking to protect the screen of your new toy too, then I definitely recommend this one. The size for mine was a little bit off, because I had to order one for a similar phone since they don't have one for my phone model. I did some trimming and it's all good.

So that was my morning of procrastination. Better not procrastinate anymore, and get cracking on my midterm. Enjoy your weekend, people!

Daydreams are free

So my to-do list have shrunken a little bit, from 8 to 6. I deposited my checks, and I gave the Netflix DVD to Nils. He already mailed them in. He's better at those kind of stuff. Thanks baby! This weekend I'll take care of # 2, what with my midterm next Thursday and all. I better get down to business if I'm going to get that A.

*****

People say sometimes love just ain't enough. You know what, those people are right.

*****

Yesterday on my way home from work, I dreamt about being a receptionist. I don't really know what receptionists do, but this is my dream, ok? Not yours. Anyway, if I were a receptionist, I would make sure we're stocked up on Post-it notes, pens, pencils, paper clips, paper, and whatever it is lah that people keep stocked up in the mail room. And those clean labcoats that just came back from the cleaners, I would put them in alphabetical order so people don't have to sift through the whole rack to find theirs. If I'm in a good mood, I'll even take them out of the cheesey plastic garment bag they come back in.

I would rearrange the front office a little bit to create a (tiny) waiting area. I'll at least put out a row of chairs where people can sit, instead of having them hover in front of my face while waiting for whomever it is they're waiting for. Maybe I'll move the guard's table and the stupid big plant to make some room. The guards will have one helluva time trying to squeeze through to get behind their desk after I move it, but hey, they're only there a few minutes a day, I have to sit here and watch these "guests" the whole damn day, ok.

My cubicle will be neat and cute, since it's the first thing that the visitors will see when they come in. Maybe I'll put up a demotivation calendar to get a smile from them. It could be a conversational piece to break the ice. Maybe I'll put a book or two on the shelf so visitors could comment on them (if they feel like being friendly to me and don't want to wait an extra half hour on my PMS days). Book # 1: How to Soar Like an Eagle When Surrounded by Turkeys. The content of this book wouldn't apply to my situation, but again, it's perfect as an ice breaker.

If I have extra time, I will volunteer to be the executive assistant to the three directors/VP who sit in the front office area. At first I thought I would get them coffee and muffins everyday, but Nils told me people don't do that anymore, so I guess I won't. I don't want to freak them out with my super eagerness. I type fast, so maybe I can help them type. They can dictate their letters/reports to me and I'll type them up. If any of them still type the hunt-and-peck style, they'll be excited by this! I don't really know shorthand, but I can make almost anything sound kosher and professional. That should more than make up for it. I can also do Excel stuff. But those are boring, so I think I'll pretend I don't know how to use Excel. I'll make calls for lunch and dinner reservations when they have to entertain clients. And also when they have to entertain the marketing people from the east coast. I'll set up their appointments, and chit chat a little with the other assistants (if they're friendly lah kan. If not, no need lah.) So yeah, I think it will be fun. Trying to make three men happy. It will be challenging. My dream job (for now). *sigh*

Why oh why?

Why am I writing here? I don't know. Is it because it's easier? Looks better? Ah who cares.

I have tons of things to do, but I just can't bring myself to do 'em. At home, and at work. I just want to sit and stare into nothingness. Yep, just sit on my ass. Just like that. Let me list the things that are circling my mind.

1) Why haven't they debited my state tax?
2) 4 weeks of stats homework
3) Renew auto insurance
4) Deposit the three checks that are sitting on the back seat
5) Write application essays
6) Call back volunteer lady
7) Call maid
8) Mail the netflix DVDs

and a bunch of other things I cannot be bothered to think about right now.

And what should I make of my boyfriend having to pray out without me knowing? Today I walked in the room to tuck him in, and he looked as if I caught him doing something naughty. Well, I've never asked him not to pray, but I think it just makes him uncomfortable to pray because he thinks that it bothers me. Maybe he's a little right. It doesn't bother me that he's praying to a different god. It just reminds me of our impossible, and inevitable future together. And that bothers me a bunch. It makes me feel all kinds of sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, tired, and many other not-so-positive feelings. The kinds that would need a lot of happy pills to get rid of. *sigh* Why lah is life so complicated? How is it that religion is separating people? Good people. People with good hearts and intention? Why? Sometimes I do think life is a series of pranks, and that God is a funny guy.

I'm going out for fresh air... *sigh*

Because I can

I've had this blog for a while. Back when I couldn't decide whether to go with blogspot or blogdrive. Needless to say, blogdrive won, simply because I liked the green monster template that they had. But from time to time, I come back here, and still wonder whether this is where I want to be. Much like my real life, I have to add. But that's a story for another day. So today, I will write this little bit here. Just for the hell of it. Just because I can. Yes, like that guy who planted grapes in his acre of Atherton. Because he can.

It's Saturday morning, and as usual, I'm dawdling around the house barely able to see (I haven't put in my contact lens. I've long lost my glasses). Nils is watching his Bermuda Triangle show on TV, after eating his chicken sandwich breakfast. He nuked it himself, since I was on my ass, writing this. I have to get ready soon. Yesterday was K's birthday, so today I'm gonna take her and her kids out. I wish they didn't live so far away. The long drive bites.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Nils and I will have our ritual weekend crepes breakfast. Yummmmm.... Oh, that thought's making me hungry. Breakfast time! Chiao!